Imagine the Bar of Your Dreams...

Soft lighting. Convivial company. A womb-like haven away from the pressures of the world, asteroid, Magellanic cloud or whatever it is you have come aboard the Titanic to escape the pressures of. Every known drink in the galaxy, glinting like jewels behind the bar. And, above all, a barman. Not just a barman. The barman... the Platonic barman of whom all other barmen are mere imperfect copies. Wise. Tolerant. Humorous. Sympathetic. An inexhaustible fund of homely advice, a walking encyclopaedia of barmanship, a welcoming friendly presence when you find yourself in a party of one, or an unobtrusive, silently efficient dispenser of refreshment when, as is more usual for someone like you, you find yourself yet again surrounded by a pressing throng of admirers and sycophants.

Thanks to the latest advances in ReaLife® robotics, overseen personally by Leovinus himself and incorporating Genuine People Personality Mk IV Technology, the Starship Titanic offers you, the successful, demanding traveller, just such a bar and just such a barman. To us, he's a Blargh Ironymaster 2.1, Reg #VF7XBER 000 2299. But to you, the successful, demanding traveller, he's Fortillian Bantoburn O'Perfluous, friend, guide, confessor and, above all, BarBot.



As he says himself, "Ah well now it would be a sad world if we were all the same and do you know what I'm going to tell yez, me mother would have been proud as Punch so she would, never mind that she cried her ould eyes out the day I left the little white snottage at the far end of the valley as you walk toward Bailliiearghaoiidh with the wind at your back and the road risin to meet yez, never missed a day in her life but she's gone to a better place now, Spod rest her soul, did yez see the Nib match the other day, now your man Sinkmeister, there's a man do you know what I'm going to tell yez, there's a man I admire and do you know why, because he's his own man do you hear what I'm sayin?, he's his own man which is more than you can say for some of them fellas no names mentioned but a certain fella you know and I know comes to mind what'll yez be drinkin this fine morning talking of which I saw your man the other day and do you know if I said he was lookin his old self 'twould not be a word of a lie do you undershtond what I'm sayin now and what I want to know is, how does he do it... on... his... salary, that's all I'm sayin'."

What can we add? Nothing. We believe it speaks for itself.


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